In middle school I remember coming home and crying saying over and over” I want to go home!” my mom lovingly said, ‘but you are home”. I meant I wanted to die and go back to live with God in heaven. First, you should know that no one, absolutely not a soul, would have guessed I suffered from depression. I was probably the epitome of a happy fun, super energetic teenager, and for the most part that was true.

I suffered alone never telling anyone and  Never knew of such a thing as mental illness, only feeling ashamed for my lack of perpetual happiness. Fast forward to 6 years ago. After the birth of Kate and the trauma that went with her almost dying, I suffered serious debilitating depression for months. It lessened and I was able to cope. Some days were worse than others. I felt guilt for having these thoughts. I would beat myself up over it each night. I knew in the morning it would take all I had to survive that day. Finally it got to where I was like “this is not normal! I can’t go on like this! I need help”. We didn’t have insurance. We struggled to buy food each week. I couldn’t ask to go to a doctor. It didn’t seem fair that I couldn’t get the help I needed. I kept it all inside, telling no one. I knew who and what I was fighting each day for. My family. I desperately wanted to be a good mom! I wanted to be present and have my children see me happy! For they truly are my greatest blessing! Yet the thoughts of them being better off without me, the thoughts of taking my own life and all the ways I could do it were haunting me day and night.

Before general conference I always fast and pray with a question that I know will be answered during one of the conference talks. This time my question was, ” would medication help me? Should I get medical help?”  I went to the women’s session and president Monson was the last to speak. He spoke of a girl named Tiffany who suffered from depression! Wow. I felt it was for me. At least I wasn’t alone. But then he said, “even medication didn’t help” oh my heart sank! I cried right there in the pew. I had received an answer and there would be no end to my suffering. Saturday session of conference arrived. It was wonderful. All of a sudden I had prompting “listen Marni, your answer is about to come…”

(I never imagined a whole talk would be about my question! I assumed my answer would be whispered by the Holy Ghost during it!)

Elder Holland began his talk “Like a broken vessel” and i thought I have never heard anything like this before. The spirit poured out over me like a cool, refreshing waterfall.  He began with these words:

“The Apostle Peter wrote that disciples of Jesus Christ are to have “compassion one of another.”  In that spirit I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime. We sense the complexity of such matters when we hear professionals speak of neuroses and psychoses, of genetic predispositions and chromosome defects, of bipolarity, paranoia, and schizophrenia. However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor.

I hate to admit, sometimes I wished for a tumor. I felt  I was so alone in my suffering because it is something you can’t see, or explain like cancer.  I felt people believed mental illness of this kind could be fixed with a better attitude. Elder Holland continued:

“Let me leave the extraordinary illnesses I have mentioned to concentrate on MDD—“major depressive disorder”—or, more commonly, “depression.” When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion. The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time, ² and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!”

I thought of my cousins and aunt who have diabetes. I grew up watching them give themselves a shot of insulin to regulate their blood sugar. I never felt they were weak, or inferior because they had diabetes! There was no shame in that disease. So why would a pill that compensates for a chemical lacking in my brain be any different? I knew even before he said these next words I needed to go see a doctor. I felt hope enter my heart.

…”If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.

 I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.” ¹

^{Can you imagine how I felt at hearing this epistle that in my mind was word for word for me alone! I ran to the bathroom and just sobbed and sobbed in utter gratitude for this divine help and guidance. Monday morning I went to a dr in our stake. I sat in the parking lot feeling like I would crawl out of my skin! I sat there battling the voices in my head. I felt so ashamed by it!}

I needed help ,but I drove away. The next day I made it into the office and out of my car, which took all the courage I could muster. The doctor said beautiful words of encouragement to me. Even telling me to call him anytime day or night if I needed to. I got the medication he prescribed to the many soldiers he had helped with PTSD while serving as a doctor in Iraq. After a couple weeks I began to see a difference. Finally I was free! The medication patched the deep dark crater in my mind. Every day I wanted to skip and shout for joy! I am healed! I can live so easily now! The medication I take each day is absolutely a modern miracle.

Now, I need you to know that when I see you in real life, and I smile and greet you with my ultra enthusiastic high pitched “Hi!” that is no act!! It is real. I see my ability to be genuinely happy as a triumph over my  disability. I see that with Gods help, I have turned my greatest weakness into a strength. I believe that being able to share my light is a way to thank My Savior for helping me through the darkness.

Elder Holland, if there was ever a man I would wish to meet it is you. Only to say face to face, “Thank you”. You saved my life. I am forever indebted o your willingness to follow the spirit. Im pretty sure I would look like this if I ever ran into you on the street!

I still struggle with the effects of depression. I have come to know that this disease runs in my family. My great- grandmother and grandmother on my dad’s side had it. I have to do certain things daily to keep it in check. It hinders my daily to – dos sometimes and limits the expectations and dreams I have. I have come to learn that I have not, and do not suffer in vain. Through my trial I have come to know my Savior in such an intimate way that could have not happened without it. I have come to rely on His atonement and understand the depth and breadth of his suffering. I now have compassion for others, even true charity. I have found the compensatory blessings for what I have suffered far outweigh the pain. I have become a new person. I keep reflecting on sister Reeves words from Saturdays general conference:

“Sisters, I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, “Was that all that was required?” I believe that if we could daily remember and recognize the depth of that love our Heavenly Father and our Savior have for us, we would be willing to do anything to be back in Their presence again, surrounded by Their love eternally. What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?”

Those words rang with absolute truth and unquenchable fire to my soul. Whatever our trails may be, they are the very thing that qualifies us for an eternity of joy! I am convinced that my illness is not me. It was not part of who I was before I came here, and it will no longer afflict me once I die. I also believe that I knew I would have this trial and was prepared for it before I came here. I accepted it in the pre- mortal realm even with joy and anticipation to experience all earth life had to offer. I feel to testify from the depths of my soul that I know Jesus Christ lives and is my Savior. He has saved me over and over again. He is my best friend. He and the Father love us more than can be described, it can only be felt. In those moments of my own Gethsemane, I have felt their love stronger than at any other time. Satan continues to be determined in his daily efforts to consign my soul to an eternity of misery along with his. Yet I have come to know that by doing the simple things each day such as prayer, scripture study, and temple attendance, his attacks have no effect on me. I hope to be worthy to stand in mother Eves presence for being strong and brave enough to taste the bitter along with the sweet. Like Eve, I want to fulfill my purpose here on earth and have the courage to live in a dreary world for a season, so that I can live with my live with my Heavenly parents and my family forever.

P.S. to all who may read this I feel to explain why I would share something so personal. Believe me, I don’t want to! For years there was still a part of my prideful heart that needed to think people could actually see me as woman with no weaknesses(ha! obviously that’s not true!) I have been nudged, uncomfortably, over and over by a loving Father in Heaven to share my personal experience. I can only hope that it is that I may be an instrument in His hands to help someone. That is my purpose in writing to you today.