Something magical happened last night. In a moment of despair, he rescued me. After putting the kids to bed, I went into Kate’s room to pray in the dark where she lay sleeping. I poured out my feelings to God. I had so much to be grateful for, I began to list them. But somehow I felt useless! I felt that crater in my mind being filled with darkness. I knew what those thoughts were and where they came from. Its not me. Its not who I am. “please make them go away!”I pleaded. I pictured the savior , I could see him coming toward me and wished he would heal me. I know he can, but I  also know I am here to be stretched, to be tested. I  need to learn to overcome this with His help. Together we can turn my trials into triumphs. I cried that ugly cry I have so many times when Im alone. I started to see faintly all the good I had done yesterday. I felt a loving voice going over in my mind with me from the morning where I read scriptures with Dallin, to praying for a friend. I recalled how Wilson had said how much he loved me, and Dallin told me I was the greatest mom in the world. Curled up next to Hope in bed  I heard her apologize for saying things that she could tell hurt me and asked how she could be better. Wow. I was blown away by her maturity and thoughtfulness. kate threw her arms around me and said I’m the best mom in all the universes!” these were beginning to replace the thoughts of what a horrible mother I had been that day and how these children deserve so much better. Sometimes it comes on suddenly with such force I can barley breathe. The mental illness I carry is like waking up to realize you’re on the front lines of a fierce battle each morning ( this is with my armor of medication, exercise and scripture study). When I was praying last night, I told Heavenly Father I felt like I was trudging through snow in Nebraska pulling a handcart uphill, barley able t o put one foot in front of the other. I realized in that moment its okay.  I will keep going and soon there will be no snow and some downhill roads. Its like that, some parts of my journey are just easier than others, but it is a trek and the trick is to keep going forward. Jeremy found me laying there in a heap of self doubt with mascara streaking my cheeks. He pulled me up into his arms and asked “what is it? tell me whats wrong?”  We went into our bedroom . I haven’t wanted to bother him because of the huge load he is carrying with school. its hard for him, he is stressed and gets very little sleep. so  when he came in the door I put on a smile and faked it as best  I could. But im a terrible faker, people see right through me. I told him, even though it felt silly saying it out loud. ” the truth is its hard doing it all on my own. I said. “I took for granted how nice it was to have you lead in family scripture and prayer and help with disciplining. by the end of the day I’m tired. and sometimes I don’t want to do those things, but I do anyway”. I felt the burden already was lifting. I continued, “Tonight I didn’t  make dinner and the kids went to bed hungry!”  to wich he  replied “Someone warmed up the chicken nuggets on the stove! who did that? hmmmm, Kate?!”  I laughed. He told me I needed to lower my expectations, a whole lot,  for myself . I laughed again. Then he  held me close, my head resting against his chest. He stroked my hair and told me what a wonderful mother I am. well, that’s all it took! like a magic eraser that gets the toughest stain off a hard surface I felt clean again. I felt hopeful and loved. J gave me some strategies that were inspired specifiacally for me. During my own storm tossed sea my Savior came to rescue me, but he sent Jeremy to finish the healing. Jeremy pulled me out of the tumultuous water and held me tight until I could see the light and laugh again. I thought of what president Nelson taught when he said “Marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship.” Its true.