Last night after a particularly rough day with school and then not being able to have game time Dallin sobbed uncontrollably for hours. All through family home evening, all through a campfire and marshmallows and it went on and on, until finally it escalated to where he was disciplined by his father and sent to bed. I lay by his side as he cried trying all I knew to comfort him, I sang his favorite songs while stroking his head and scratching his back. I tried to tell him a story . I tried holding him close, but he resisted and continued to sob. He said in that moment ” I am going to run away, can I have a months worth of food?” I replied, “of course, you can have any food you need. All we have is yours”. “Okay he said.” I will need a big bag”. “Ill help you however I can”, I said. “I think living in an orphanage would be better than this. I hate school, I hate my life! I just want to die!” He cried. My heart was breaking. I strained to hold back tears. I prayed desperately in my heart than I sat up onto my knees and prayed aloud, instinctively Dallin sat up and folded his arms too. I spoke softly hoping that would help him to soften his loud crying. I told Heavenly Father “you sent me this special boy, and I love him with all my heart! he wants to run away, he wants to die, I’ve tried all I know how to help him I just don’t know what to do now, please show me how to help him”. After that prayer Dallin said he loved me and finally relaxed and went to sleep. I was so full of anxiety and sadness I went to another room to pray and to read scriptures so I could find peace and direction. I brought my journal and read a part from a priesthood blessing Jeremy had given me a few weeks ago concerning Dallin. In that blessing I was told that Dallin would have to come to earth with certain handicaps and challenges and that we, his family had promised that we would help him. I am certain this counsel applies to each of us who have a child or brother or sister who struggle. We promised them long before that we would help them. I received renewed hope and strength to keep fighting for him, for all four of my children.
While serving a mission In Nebraska, at winter quarters I read the journal of a young pioneer girl named Agnes Caldwell.At the time of this experience she was the same age as Dallin. Her story has become a treasure for me. Once while walking along the plains in winter after seeing many of her company die and being on the brink of starvation herself she witnessed the arrival of a rescue party. she was so excited and ran along side one of the rescuers hoping to catch a ride. “Hey there sissy!” the driver called out, ” Would you like a ride?” “yes sir!” she said with all she could muster. In that instant he grabbed onto her frail hand and clicked to his horses to being galloping. He made her run along side the wagon. She recorded that she thought he was “the meanest man that had ever lived!”. Then when she felt she could go no more, he reached down and with both hands grabbed her and wrapped her up in a warm blanket, gently laying her down in the back of the wagon. It was then that she realized by making her run he had saved her from hypothermia and loosing her legs. He had saved her life.
So often we are stretched and asked to run when we feel we cannot go any further. We feel like Dallin, and sometimes want to die because it is just too hard. I know that as we reach up to the hand of our Savior and give every bit of what we have left, even as he stretches us little farther, it is to save us. It is because he loves us so perfectly and can see what we need in each moment better than we can. If we will take his hand and trust Him, and keep moving forward, one day we will feel both his arms around us. We will feel the warmth of his embrace. We will hear him say “well done. Come, I have a place prepared for you with my Father.”
Marni, you write so perfect. Your words touch me so much. I started to cry reading your first paragraph, your kids are so strong, its obvious they get it from you and jeremy. I love reading your entries! Love you guys so much!! ❤
thank you so much! we sure love you and we were both very touched by your sincere comment!
Beautiful Marni- and inspirational. I hope one day I can be a mom like you. You are so passionate, patient and kind. Please keep writing. Xoxo
thank you Michelle! that sure meant a lot to me!
Marni, your sweet post brought me to tears. I feel like nothing could have helped him more than seeing his faithful mother kneel and pray for him aloud. You are such an inspired mother! Thank you for your example.
Marie said~” Marni your words are beautiful! You’re such an inspiration.”
Your posts always make me feel better. I feel like I’ve been going through a lot lately and often wonder if others go through the same heartaches and I’m glad you’re so open to share. I aspire to handle things your way.
Marni, you are so inspiring! This post is beautiful and really touched me. Thank you for always uplifting us and helping to be better!
Marni, I don’t know what I am going to do when you are no longer living right around the corner! My heart aches thinking about not being able to have you in my day-to-day life. I am so grateful for the technology we have so that I will be able to continue to feel your sweet spirit no matter where we live. I love you, my forever friend.
Marni, this brought me to tears. You inspire me to try to be more loving and patient with my little guy smile emoticon I haven’t always dealt with him in the most Christ like way. Thank you for being an example to me as to the kind of mother my little boy needs me to be.
Thank you for sharing Marni! I love your example of true mother love!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I needed to hear this. I love y little girl dearly but she can be difficult to take sometimes and there are days I struggle and I am not always as Christ-like as I should be with her. She is dealing with things that she came to this earth with and to hear your words I felt less alone.
Wow…this is beyond beautiful. It needs to be published.
Marni- This topic is all too familiar to me. What I want to shout out to the world, when it comes to my own son, is to please be nice to him! Please be patient and understanding! I know that at times he can be annoying etc… but he is also a child of God and he cannot help his limitations. I feel so deeply hurt when I have extended family members who do not want to develop a relationship with my son because he has a different personality. He is still blood and we need to love unconditionally. Also- My son can pick up on those emotions. If he knows you like him then he will want to please you and try harder to behave. Sorry for the soapbox but I assume that most parents feel the same way as myself
Heavenly father certainly knew what he was doing when he sent
Dallin to you and Jeremy. You are the best parents he could ever have. You are wonderful parents to all four of your children. They as well as I are blessed to have you in our lives
Patti Tiernan I love reading your posts so much. I too have a son who is challenged. His challenge has no name and is not in the textbooks and although I’ve had him to many Psychologist they have never really been able to help him, nor diagnose him, however, they all agree he has problems. I wish that I had been as patient and insightful as you are when he was young. He is still struggling and getting counseling. I too have felt like we chose to help him through his earthly life, but in many ways I feel like we have failed.
Patti! you in no way failed him!! first of all, I think theyre are many resources available now that werent when your son was a child. I loved elder Hollands talk titled “a broken vessel.” it was pivotal in mine and Dallins life. There is in my family a long history of mental illness,I have family memebers on medication for different forms of it. and heres a little secret about me:) I was recently diagnosed with mdd. if I had not gone through what I have suffered with deppression I would not have recognized the signs or known how to help my son. Were still not sure what Dallin has…he asked me today,”so do I have adddd and hypothermia!”haa! but I was told in that blessing I mentioned, to keep asking doctors and to keep reading books to help me learn how to best help him. Patti,you are an angel mother,one Heavenly Father trusted with one of his most precious sons who one day will be whole and not suffer anymore. you are so very loved!:)