Recently I have heard from those close to me of  three teenage girls who have tried and even succeeded in taking their own life.  In church we have talked about depression and suicide A lot in recent months.  It has become  very personal to me with those I care about most. It is my intention today to bring hope and help to those who suffer, because I’ve suffered like you. I will share my story in an attempt to alter yours. I don’t think I’m ready or strong enough to tell you these things face-to-face, some details are too painful, but I believe I,ve been given a divine gift to express myself through writing. I’m sure I’d be crying through it all if I told you in person and no one wants to see that!

After Kates birth and weeks in the NICU my doctor wrote me a prescription for an antidepressant. I took it for a month.   Then it happened. A few weeks later  Depression hit me hard. It was  debilitating and so real,  yet I could not figure out what it was or how to stop it. Jeremy would say “why can’t you just be happy”, he couldn’t understand.  It was like torture to see the woman he loved suffering and he couldn’t do anything about it. He just saw me unhappy and thought that it must be his fault . I went on with life gritting my teeth and pushing through with a whole Lotta pain while wearing a smile. I didn’t want Jeremy to feel bad.  I didn’t want my kids to see me like that, so every day I fought a battle inside my head for those I love the most. I asked for and received many priesthood blessings which helped for a short time. They gave me enough time to breathe before being smashed by another huge  wave of self-doubt and pain. It was years and years of depression.I was fatigued mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I had  served others relentlessly, I read my scriptures sometimes for hours a day, I prayed and prayed and prayed. still, I suffered. Then finally, for me and many others, God spoke through Elder Holland. He spoke on MDD in his talk “like a broken vessel” He said it’s OK to get help and how to get it. Mostly he validated that what I was going through is real! And it wasn’t my fault. I had suicidal thoughts and it’s because of angels and the enabling power of the atonement that saved me from them. In moments when I felt like Peter drowning in a stormy sea, I always called out to him who is my best friend, “Lord, save me.” And he did. But, he did not take it away. I remember praying,  “I have faith like the woman who had a disease for many years and simply touched  the hem of your robe and was healed.”  I said “I have faith like her and I know that  you can heal me!” and then I heard these words “yes, but do you have faith not to be healed?”  I stopped crying, stood up and said out loud, “yes I do…but only if you help me and don’t let me fail!”

Those were very dark, scary days. After Elder Holland’s talk I received the courage I needed to see a doctor. The dr. was wise and kind. He prescribed medicine that saved my life. The medicine is what he used for soldiers that he treated for PTSD in the Iraq war. He said I reminded him of them.  I truly believe modern medicine is a miracle from God. I still had hard days but nothing like before. Then I moved  to Utah. Winter hit me like an avalanche and all of a sudden my medication didn’t work like it used to. I started therapy at BYU student counseling center. It was awful.  It was like having a C-section delivery all over again, feeling ripped and pulled apart. I’m glad I went and in the end I  learned tools and knowledge that helps me.

By divine intervention I see a doctor now whose wife and a couple children have depression. He is treating me and it is working! I feel like myself again! He told me With a smile I would feel joy again and he was right. He took time to explain to me how depression works in the brain. He told me about a daughter that he adopted that had things happen to her more horrible than I can even imagine until she was adopted at 13. He said she should be depressed but she isn’t  because it isn’t in her genes.  This made me feel much better as I sobbed in his office. He also said that like Jeremy, he’s just happy all the time. He empathetically explained he has no idea what it’s like to feel what I do. Every day I thank God that he went to medical school  so that he could help me today.  For now, I am healed. It’s not all the way gone, but I can feel Joy  just as he said! I can feel all the feels within reason, and I never, ever want to end my life.  The thought that I did, and could have, brings me to tears and the depths of gratitude for my Savior who truly saved me.

On the way home from  therapy at BYU I would pull over by the mountains to pray. On one of these occasions  it had been especially hard. I prayed and asked what I was to learn from this and if it would ever go away. I remember thinking I would have this my whole life, but I heard these words from a kind Father in heaven, “This is what’s making you into the kind of person who can live in my presence again.” I smiled And I knew it was true. I said, “father, than it is worth it”. Because of this illness I will have become someone who has charity, compassion for others, a sensitivity to the spirit,and  patience. I’ve become a mother, sister and friend who can help  those I love who suffer from some of the same things. But  most of all, I have become someone who has learned to  completely rely on the Lord Jesus the Christ. In the end this is all that matters. For me, even a long term painful mental illness is worth it. I would suffer it over and over again if it makes me into  someone who can live with my Heavenly Parents forever. I would think of these words and sometimes sing them on the darkest of nights, “Here’s my heart lord  take and seal it,seal it for thy courts  above.”

To you who may be suffering in silence You do not need to suffer alone! You are not alone! There is help available through medicine, through the atonement, through talking about it with others who know how you feel. This life is worth living ! However dark you feel, it is not worth ending it!! I KNOW THIS IS TRUE.

Reach up to Him who stands ready to save you. Reach out to a friend or family member. Rely on the savior through prayer.

Many years ago during a difficult time with the illness and before I knew what it was, my dad said, “you don’t laugh anymore. ” Then and there I decided to change that, so to end this serious  post I’m going to share a funny experience I had recently in the temple. 🙂 The officiator, a kind looking old man at the front of the room stood up and asked if there was anyone who is deaf and needed the presentation in sign language. That alone was funny. In a place where people are supposed to be reverent and kind, an old lady at the front of the room grumble loud enough so I could hear “If their deaf they are not going to hear you!”  Oh man I laughed out loud and it was really hard to stop giggling.

I love you! Thanks  for reading my story and please feel free to share yours with me!I would love to help in anyway I can, or just listen. You will find joy again.

Xoxo